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 When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)

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Pyxis Wilson
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PostSubject: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:10 am

Pyxis would be described as a happy, fiery strong spirit, because that's what she put on to everyone else. They all saw her, and would never guess the trauma she went through in her day to day life. Every day, she would wake up beside Marcello and force a smile on her face for her wonderful husband's sake. He would send her a quizzical look at the horror in her eyes from the nights constant terror's, but she'd just shake her head and climb out of bed. She would smile, laugh at everyone's jokes, meet up with friends, go out and do errands, anything normal really. She was just a normal person, who worked at Hogwarts as Potions professor. None suspected anything else, none suspected that every day she struggled not to just run away screaming from her son, her husband.

Because whilst she loved her husband dearly, she wasn't in love with him. Pyxis was in love with someone else, a man she'd loved for the 13 years he'd been gone. She'd never been able to move on, because the love she held for him grew stronger every day rather than weaker. She'd dream of him every night, not really nightmares, but beautiful dreams. When she awoke, the realisation that he wasn't really there would hit her and she'd look horrified and upset. Which was why her husband was confused. But she could never tell him that she didn't love him the way she loved someone else, someone she believed she would never see again. Parker Christopher Emery. Now, if one were to know this they'd wonder why she struggled to deal with her son somedays. And there was a very simple, painful reason for this.

Pyxis was in wizarding London now, her son trailing behind her with a constant whinge coming from him about how bored he was. He hated shopping, Pyxis knew that, but she wasn't sure what else to do with him. The last time she'd left him home alone, he'd almost blown up the house. She rolled her eyes and grabbed him by his arm, yanking him forwards. "Alright, if you don't shut up with your whinging now then I am going to call you 'sweetheart' in your Potions class, and i'm also not going to buy you an ice cream," she threatened. His face paled at the thought of his mother calling him sweetheart, and immediately his mouth snapped shut. After Pyxis had finished the shopping, she walked outside into the sunlight and headed towards a café with her excited son in tow. All of a sudden, he took off in the other direction with a cackle and Pyxis whirled around, moving to run after him but bumping straight into someone very, very tall. "Parker!" She exclaimed after her son as he vanished into the crowd. She ran a hand through her hair and looked up at the person she'd bumped into apologetically, before her face paled.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:52 am

Parker was walking from the office buildings near St. Mungo's. He pulled his coat off from his shoulders, holding it in his arms. He brushed his hair back from his face, feeling nauseated and dissociated. Maybe those few drinks in Tony's office were a bad idea, especially considering he was on some muggle prescription. But whenever he got talking with Tony, all the things he regret from his past were always brought up. Sure it was this guys job to talk to people, but shit, sometimes Parker really hated the guy. They could talk about the difficult things he'd seen at the hospital, the death he was surrounded by often. But no. It was always the past. Parker was so sick of being hung up on the past, which was why the last few times he'd gone to Tony he couldn't refuse the drinks. It got his mind off it.

While for years Parker had been able to keep the semblance of normality and that he was fine and content with life, not to long ago he'd finally cracked. He was just starting to pick himself back up again. Two years ago was his failed self-obliviation. He'd been revealed to be a total mess on the inside. People at work treated him differently, like he was another patient to be cared for. Well, actually, for a while he was. Almost two years ago he had started talking to Tony, almost two years ago he had to bring up her name again. It was sad to think how hard it was for him. Parker almost wanted to laugh at how pathetic he was sometimes. He thought just leaving like he did would make everything better. While for a short time it might have felt like it, he was starting to realize what a terrible mistake he really made. He was still trying to get over it. Still trying to get past a mistake he made when he was 18 about some stupid thing about how he didn't fit in. And here he was now. 30 years old, about ready to go onto his dream job, but no money, no family, no true happiness to speak of.

He walked down the street, planning to go to the cafe to buy the cheapest, strongest coffee he could. While his breath smelled a bit like alcohol, and he felt sick to his stomach, he otherwise was unaffected. He draped his jacket over his shoulder as he reached in his pocket to pull out the money for his coffee. As he took his eyes from the street, he then suddenly collided with someone, his coins falling out of his hands and all over the place. Fucking great. He felt frustration bubble up but froze when his name was shouted by the woman that had crashed into him. "What...?" he muttered, confused. As she stepped away so did he, about to start looking around for his dropped money. He nearly dropped his wallet when he saw the woman. His hands then gripped his wallet tightly, his knuckles going white as his stomach knotted up, making him feel more like he wanted to vomit. This could not be happening.This could not be her. Not now, not Pyxis. Please, no. But there was no denying it and the recognition in their faces was undeniable.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jun 21, 2012 5:06 am

Pyxis let out a sigh of exasperation as she saw that she'd knocked the mans coins to the ground. She almost growled, and her son could bet on it that he'd be in a hell of a lot of trouble for causing Pyxis to knock into him. She stumbled backwards a few steps and heard him say 'What?' When she called out for Parker. This confused her, but before she gave the man a look she peered through the crowd and saw a glimpse of her little boy, a wicked grin was on his face. "Get back here!" She exclaimed un-happily. He stopped and looked over at her, before diving away again. "Idiot," she rolled her eyes. Her attention was then turned to the man, and an apology was clear in her eyes as she looked up. His money was probably scattered everywhere, and she felt so embarrassed. "I am so sor-" Her apology died in her throat, because the last person in the world that she wanted to see at that very moment, was him.

A mixture of emotions swirled through Pyxis as she took another step back, instinctively. A wind ripped through the air, cold and brittle, as if the universe was trying to give them privacy by turning the weather incredibly cold. Soon, the streets were almost abandoned as people hurriedly took refuge. But Pyxis felt as if she was frozen in time, staring at him with wide and pained eyes. Oh, how she wanted to hold him close to her and beg him to never leave her again. She wanted to run away from her terrible life and be with him, but her eyes suddenly snapped shut. Marcello, she thought to herself. What good would that do, she didn't love Marcello anyway! Nothing like she loved Parker, anyway. Parker. Her eyes slowly opened once more and she stared at him like she was seeing something that wasn't real. In the back of her mind that wasn't over-come with grief, pain, agony, confusion, and a strong sense of betrayal, she noted that he'd seemed to grow far more handsome as the years went by. No, she couldn't think like that. She had a husband, a child, a life outside of him.

Did she? Pyxis didn't believe she did, when she thought about it. He was always there, consuming her every thought, making her long to go to sleep every night so she could be there, with him. She heard the sound of footsteps right behind her and along come little Parker, his hand reaching out and grabbing hers. "Mum? Can we go get ice cream, now? I'm sorry," he apologised, before his attention turned to Parker. He frowned. "Whose that? Did he hurt you, mum?" Little Parker looked furious, but Pyxis thrust a hand out and stopped him from storming over to Parker. "No one, Parker," she choked on the name. Her son looked confused. "Mummy needs to talk to someone, go on, here's some money. Go get yourself an ice cream," she patted him on the head, and he nodded. "Do you want an iced chocolate, mum?" He asked, and she nodded her head. Once he'd vanished into the café, she turned cold eyes to Parker. "I'm sorry about bumping into you, let me help," she motioned to the coins on the ground.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jun 21, 2012 6:17 am

Parker ignored his fallen money, he didn't trust himself to move an inch. Everything ached and everything felt like it was falling apart. Once again. Fuck, not again. He felt like he'd sobered up entirely in seconds, whatever words she was yelling faded into incoherent murmurs. He furrowed his eyebrows, feeling like he was watching everything in slow motion and he was still very confused as to why she yelled out his name and as to why she was chasing some kid to begin with. The way she cut off her words and looked at him sent a stabbing, throbbing pain through his chest. It felt like all the breath had suddenly escaped from his lungs. Not only that but the wind turned ice cold. He shuddered almost violently and thought he could see his breath as he breathed out. And just a moment ago it felt too hot. This was her. Her magic. It had to be. He'd know it anywhere.

His face seemed to relax, though his expression was desolate, almost like he had no idea what he was looking at. He tried to swallow, but his throat felt swollen shut. He just stared at her, completely silent. He watched her lower head, and continued to stare at her even as she stared back. He took a slow, deep breath through his nose, but his chest stung, still feeling constricted and like he couldn't get a full breath of air. Everything felt like it was spinning. He didn't know how to feel...well, when did he ever? He wanted to run away and sweep her up into his arms at the same time. He wanted to both scream and whisper how sorry he was. He felt his eyes sting as he looked down to the child that came beside her, taking her hand. Every time the boy said mum, the look in Parker's eyes got darker. Tony's words resounded in his head. 'You loved her you know. You didn't know it, but you did. You do-' His thoughts were interrupted when she choked out his name...but it wasn't directed at him. He felt his mouth open slightly, as if he wanted to say something. His head dropped down, his eyes at their feet. He could hear the pounding of blood in his ears. She didn't. She couldn't have....When the child ran off, his bit his lip hard, trying to hard to hold back everything he was feeling. He shook his head slightly when she motioned to the coins. "Leave them. I don't need them." he said with a small shrug, his words short an choppy. He let out a pained sounding sigh, looking in the direction the child had run off to, a far away look in his eyes. He had no fucking clue what to do.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jun 21, 2012 6:35 am

Pyxis could slowly feel herself going cold and numb inside. It took her a while to realise that the sudden change in weather was her, her own magic. She'd been practising over those 13 years to the point that she was incredibly powerful when it came to her magic. She stopped the wind, but now that the weather had been altered it wouldn't change back for a while, unless someone changed it. But Pyxis couldn't make the weather warm, only cold. She believed that it was because she was so cold and empty inside, but then it was probably just because she could control the wind and therefore freeze things over with a lot of effort when she tried. She knew her sister could make it rain with her water, too. And she could cause earthquakes. Pyxis could cause fires, and it took a lot of effort not to cause one right now as she felt her anger building up.

No, you've been trying so long, don't give up now, she'd been taking anger management classes for the past 5 years, too, but his return seemed to shatter it all. It took every ounce of effort in her body not to burst, and she slowly let the rage die down until she was able to speak once more after offering to help. He seemed bewildered, and didn't appear to have any intention to start up a conversation that was long overdue. She was about to ask him why, why he'd left, but stopped herself. She didn't want to know why at all, because she knew it would only hurt and upset her. She also didn't want to speak to him any longer than she had to, because her heart was starting to beat faster in her chest and she knew that the longer she stayed, the more likely she was to leave her life for him. She could see it now, a life where she was happy. Because she'd only ever needed him to be happy. But, there was no one here now other than the two of them, and it was getting harder and harder to not jump into his arms and whisper, 'Run away with me.' She couldn't just leave little Parker like that, and she couldn't just leave Marcello, either.

As if the universe was trying to make things harder for her, just as she stepped forwards to say 'See you around, then,' and walk away before she could get hurt, a pair of arms wrapped around her waist and she stiffened, looking over her shoulder at Marcello. "Hey, sugar," he grinned and kissed her cheek, before looking at Parker with a friendly smile as he straightened up and moved to stand beside Pyxis, arm still around her waist. "What are you doing here?" Pyxis asked accusingly, glaring at Marcello. Marcello pretended not to notice her hostile reaction. "You said you were gonna take Parker out for ice cream after you'd finished the shopping, I thought it'd meet you there. Where is the little devil?" He grinned. Pyxis half-heartedly smiled back. "Um, Marcello, he's in the café... I urm, well, erm," Marcello cut across her and looked at Parker. "Whose that?" He asked with a frown. Pyxis gulped. She looked at Parker and felt her heart clench painfully. "No one important. Let's go," she grabbed Marcello's hand and began to tug him towards the café. She stopped straight away though. "Oh, I bumped into him, I should help him gather his money. I'll meet you in there, okay?" Marcello nodded at Pyxis' and walked away to the café. Now that both of her boys were inside, she whipped around and pointed a finger at Parker. "Right, I have some questions for you and you'll be a dead man if you don't answer them," she growled.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:21 am

Parker took another breath, his shoulders heaving as he collected himself. He stood up straighter, but wavered slightly, damned alcohol already well enough in his system. He moved his hand up his arm, over the goosebumps he had from the cold. He gripped into his shoulder, looking away again. Calm, he needed to close his mind of from emotion like he so easily could do at his job. When it came to things like this....well, her more specifically, he just couldn't. It was one of the things that drove him to the attempted obliviation. He just wanted a moments peace where he wasn't tormented by thoughts of her and how he was so sorry for hurting her and what her life might be like. He had the answer the that now though, didn't he. Moved on. Like everyone else. She must have hated him. He certainly didn't blame her. He had been an awful person to her, he had just left her, he was a stupid kid and they were both still being punished for it.

Even if he hadn't left, even if he had realized then he had feelings for her, he still had absolutely nothing to give her. No money, no nice place to live, no gifts, hell he wasn't even very nice or funny or good looking for that matter. He had been told all those things enough times by the only girlfriend he ever had. And that was years ago. He had just been starting to accept a life of loneliness. He couldn't even afford to have a pet to keep him any company. The closest thing he even had to a friend was Tony, and they only talked because the Mungo's paid him to. He looked up, expecting Pyxis to get bad and storm away as she had always done all those years ago, but he saw a man walk up and put his arm around her. His first instinct was to punch him. Simply because he seemed to have come out of nowhere and startled Parker, her aggressive tone with the man also put him on edge. And then he said his name. Parker tensed up, having a visible reaction to the frustration he was feeling. He needed to get out, go away. He was too late, he was pathetic compared to whoever the hell this guy was. He just glared at the man when he interrupted Pyxis to ask who he was. And she just bloody let him.

He was just about to let relief flood him as they started to leave. He was this close to turning on his heal and literally running off like the pathetic coward he was. His head snapped up when she stopped and turned around to him, finger pointing accusingly in an awfully familiar way. When she threatened him, he smiled dejectedly, his voice soft."I pretty much already am." He looked over to the cafe, taking in a sharp breath and with a clipped tone saying, "Don't do this-"

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:35 am

Pyxis wasn't sure how to handle the sudden feeling of calm that built within her. For a moment in time, she was bewildered. Whenever she'd pictured it realistically, seeing him again, she'd punched him in the face and then strangled him until he went purple, begging for mercy when she'd finally give up and demand to know where he'd been. But for some reason, she knew she wouldn't do that. Then it hit her, there were a couple of reasons. First off, her anger management classes had enabled her to find calm in what would normally be an explosive and delicate situation for her. And the second reason, was that he was there. After all her dreams, after her fantasies, after the torture, her one true love was in front of her looking as handsome and perfect as always. Not many bothered to think him attractive, but Pyxis did. He was the most handsome man she'd ever seen, and she felt her heart swell just as she looked at him. For a moment, she drifted away to a dreamland wehre she was married to Parker, not Marcello, and they had their own child.

Reality slapped her in the face though when Marcello's arms wrapped around her. She wanted to push him off, she wanted to slap him in the face and express her displeasure at him being there, and tell him to leave her life. She wanted to take PJ and run away with Parker, leaving Marcello behind. Because she wasn't being fair on Marcello, she felt the guilt every day. Here he was, in a marriage where he believed his wife had eyes for only him, where in reality her every minute was spent thinking about another man, one whom she loved more than she could ever even think of loving Marcello. The small amount of love she did hold for Marcello was beginning to fade as she cast glances between the two of them, and it was being replaced with a burning desire to have Parker to herself. She didn't want to think about how she'd feel if Parker was married with his own child. She could just picture it now, a woman whom he loved and cherished... she wanted to throw up.

Pyxis realised that she'd let her anger overcome her for that moment when she made the familiar gesture of growling at him, finger pointed at his face. She dropped her arm and let her anger eb away. She wanted to feel that emotion she knew would come after her anger had run it's course, and now it filled her. Sadness. But it was not alone, it was mixed with love and confusion. She frowned at his dejected smile, and before she'd even considered her actions she'd stepped closer to him and reached a hand out, not sure what she wanted. Maybe, to just gently touch any part of him, to see if he was real. She halted and her arm dropped, an expression of pain flickering across her features. "Don't do what?" She breathed.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jun 21, 2012 9:13 am

Of the millions of scenarios he pictured of them possibly reuniting, he always imagined some element of violence to it. Screaming, her attacking him in some way, the whole bit. Not...this. Whatever this was. It was awkward and tense, and he was such a damn mess. She, as always, looked perfect. Why did he have to realize this all so late? He sighed and shook his head. He couldn't do this to himself. I should just walk away now. He didn't even care how badly he needed his money. He'd leave it if he had to. He'd run over this in his head so many times and beating himself up over it wasn't going to do anything. Nothing was anymore. He was actually pretty surprised they'd not run into each other any time sooner. He guessed he was just hiding well all these years. Or...at least the past two. Damn it, why now? If he just didn't have the need to go get coffee he could have gone home and been off to get ready for his new job. He'd have been traveling around and not have run into her. And knowing how the world just seemed to hate them, this wouldn't be the last he'd see of her either.

He couldn't even bring himself to have a reaction to her anger, even after all these years. And he knew just what would happen. Like the flick of a light switch she'd break down that anger into sadness. And right before his eyes it seemed that happened. He kept the sad smile on his face, having no reaction as she stepped forward. No doubt she'd smell the slight scent of alcohol on him. She might have as she stopped and lowered her hand. He remembered so vividly the touch of her hand in his- he lowered his head and closed his eyes, willing the memories to go away. "Don't waste your time. Just go in with your....husband and..and your son." He spat out, the words coming to him with great difficultly. Everything in his body felt like it was crushing down on itself. He felt so heavy and would give anything in the world to just open his eyes and see that this was a dream.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jun 21, 2012 9:29 am

Pyxis' nose wrinkled in distaste as she faintly smelt alcohol on him. Immediately, she knew just like that he wasn't married. Her eyes flickered to his hands and saw no ring, though then again, he could just be in a bad marriage. She looked at her own hand which never held her wedding ring, something that often upset Marcello. She could remember the violent bursts of anger from him that were far worse than she'd ever been. She might've yelled, screamed, even occasionally hurt someone - though they would've had to have done something pretty bad - but she never attacked them the way Marcello did, over such little things. She could remember that she'd given Parker some chocolate before bed, making him bouncy, and the fight had escalated to the point where he held Pyxis against the wall by his hand and slapped her across the face until she passed out. She winced at the memory and her eyes flickered down to Parker's hands again. He would never... And she would never. She felt safe whenever she was with Parker, even if she was the one protecting him all the time, but she knew he would've protected her if she needed it. Sure, Marcello was an angel most of the time, and he did love her, but he had problems.

Problems that Pyxis couldn't begin to understand. When he didn't drink, she could feel herself begin to love him more, but he was more often than not, a drunk at night. He was kind of scary that way, loving by day but vicious by night. She ignored the faint scent of alcohol and stepped forwards now at his words, the pain clear on her face. With shaking hands, she reached out and grabbed his own gently, tears welling up in her eyes. The feeling sent a jolt of electricity through her, and she desperately wanted to hold him close to her now. She didn't care about Marcello anymore, he could die in a hole for all she cared. In her mind, there was Parker or there was nothing. Now that she'd seen him again, felt his skin against hers bringing that warmth that only he could, she couldn't run away anymore.

She sighed heavily and dropped his hands, but remained close to him. She flinched at his words and couldn't help herself as she felt the tears threaten to spill. She took another step forwards so she was against him, and wrapped her arms around him. Whilst this seemed to happen slowly for her, she actually moved like a blur as if she were tackling him with a hug. She let out a choked sound and rested her head against his chest, holding him there with all of her strength. "No. I don't want to." She responded like a little child, pulling back a bit but still holding him. He was real, oh so real, and she loved him even more than she'd thought was possible. "I don't give a damn about Marcello, Parker. I love my little boy, but it hurts every day to think of his name. I tortured myself by naming him after you, but I couldn't help it!" She sighed heavily. "Please don't leave me. I can't live without you, not again. I can't just only see you in my dreams for the rest of my life... I can't do that!" The scent of alcohol was stronger, but she ignored it. "I'm begging you, Parker, I don't care about anything more than you. I can't live without you again."

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jun 21, 2012 10:12 am

Parker watched as she looked over him. He followed her eyes down to her hand, seeing no ring. He narrowed his eyes slightly. Why wouldn't she be wearing it unless she actually hadn't gotten married or didn't want to wear it. Why the hell did it even matter to him. It shouldn't, it was none of his business. She seemed to draw into her own thoughts a bit and he tried to put a bit of distance between them. She stepped forward again though and reached out for him. He tensed and started to pull away slightly but she already grabbed him. It felt as if all the energy and will drained from him and he couldn't bring himself to pull away anymore. He felt a sinking feeling in his chest, and his fingers felt freezing against her warm hands.

He breathed out when she let go of his hands, starting to put them into his pockets. He saw tears stream down her cheeks. Why did he always make her cry so much? He felt his muscles start to move, meaning to move away from her, but he was quickly embraced. Not having his full balance, he took a step back and froze, not knowing what to do if anything at all. he felt alarm rise within him as she started to talk. "Pyxis, no, stop it. Don't say that-" He voice took on a panicked undertone and he tried to move his arms so he could pry her off him. "Why would yo- no, stop it!" He slipped his arm up, grabbing her by the arm and trying to move her away as he staggered the other direction. He refused to stand there and ruin her life further. She had other, better people in her life. Hell, a better Parker entirely. This stupid little run in with her should not be going this way, this shouldn't be happening, it couldn't have been meant to-

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:15 pm

((Phone post excuse the shit that goes retarded))

She looked back over to the cafe, but both PJ and Marcello were facing the other way to the window. She gulped and felt the tears slide down her cheeks silently. She tried to stop them, but soon realised this was a battle that she would not win. Pyxis felt as if crying was a constant factor in her life. For her, it wasn't always a sign of weakness or sorrow, but just a way to release her pent up emotions that she often struggled to deal with. She just didn't know how she would cope with the bottled emotions if she didn't cry, it was her way if letting them out. Whilst she used to cry years ago too, she also used to burst into fits of rage as well. Somedays, she wondered if it would all become too much and she'd pass out from too much emotion. Because she one that's what she as made up of, she was an emotional wreck ad though t was shameful thee was also nothing she could do to ever change that. It had been a part of her for as long as she could remember.

Pyxis noticed the way he had tensed and shifted as if to move away from her before she tabbed his hands. That hurt more than she was willing to admit, but her eyes pearly showed it. The saying 'the eyes are the key to the soul' definitely rung true for Pyxis, because you could always clearly see her emotions through her unique grey-blue eyes. That also irritated her as she would spend so much time hiding the emotion on her face only to have it shine through within her eyes. She didn't want Parker to see the expression on her face as she held his hands, so she let her head droop and instead stated at the hands. Such a familiar gesture to hold his hands that it burned inside of her to the point she almost couldn't breathe. She began to wonder, for such a simple gesture of holding his hands could inflict such strong emotions in her, what would it be like to lean up and touch her lips to his?

Pyxis looked up at him as her arms wrapped around him. She shouldn't have touched him at all, because now the thought of loosing him made the world in front of her spin. All of a sudden, those many anger management lessons no longer meant anything and her anger was sparked when he tried to move away from her. His grip made her feel weak as he pried her off of him, and she felt pain flash through her in such a powerful way that she doubled over and let out a gasp of agony. She clutched at her sides and crumbled to her knees. "Dont you dare start with me, Parker Christopher Emery," she snarled in that tone they both knew so well, the one that showed she was using her anger to cover up the pain that she felt inside. It was the tone she used with him after her parents had gotten divorced. The tone she used whenever he tried to walk away from her in seventh year. She looked up at him, tears still falling down her cheeks. "I should hate you, but all I want is to-" She stopped abruptly.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Sat Jun 23, 2012 1:32 pm

Parker had to look away. He couldn't stand to see her cry after all these years. Why, why did she have to cry so much? He'd spend so many years trying to block up all that emotion, trying to understand it just to put it away. And him wanting to get a coffee had ruined it all. Even such a previously familiar gesture was distant and strange to him. He'd hardly even talked to anyone this long besides Tony. everything felt so long and drawn out, as if happening in slow motion, and he hated it. He hated this feeling. He wished whatever it was would just go. away. It was too late for any of this. He was so fed up with this, he realized. With himself, this was pathetic. He knew her cycle. Shock, anger, crying, anger again. He just went with it so easily, even after all these years.

Her cry out in pain made him feel like his heart stopped. Had he accidentally hurt her that bad?? But he snapped out of it as she started to get angry again. Like she always did. It didn't matter how he felt for her. Their friendship had always been a volatile and unhealthy one. It destroyed him every time this crap happened. it was still destroying him. "Me?!" He snapped back, taking a tone similar to what he was like back in seventh year. He sounded so much more tired though, so fed up. His eyes then widened slightly, not liking what he was hearing just from her saying she 'should have'. He brought his hands up to his face and his jacket that was draped over his shoulder fell to the ground. He shook his head as he took a few steps away from her."No. I'm not listening to this-" he muttered under his breath, panic taking over. She had a life. He had fucked it all up. He needed to get out. Run like he always did. There was never any other way with her it seemed. He took a final glance to the shop her husband and her son....Parker....were still in before turning and starting to walk briskly away, not caring if he left his money, or his jacket, hell he'd not care if he left his whole wallet. He pat the pocket of his pants just in case. And yep. he did. in his jacket pocket. oh well. he just hoped to hell she'd not try to find him...

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:10 pm

Weak, pathetic, she told herself over and over as the tears slowly slid down her cheeks, one after the other, like an endless river. How could she let herself cry so easily? Where her sister, Aquila, was strong, sarcastic, a force to be reckoned with, she was over the top emotional, a raging monster, and overall completely controlled by her every emotion. Stupid Pyxis, the one who couldn't control her temper, who had anger management classes, who was always crying, who never could just keep it together, who broke at the slightest application of pressure. She was so sick of all of them, all these little voices in her head reminding her of how weak and pathetic she was. Because she knew that deep down, they were right, and it made her feel sick to the core. Sick, with herself. She was pathetic. She was disgusting. She didn't even deserve to have a husband, a child, she didn't deserve her life.

But, she was verging on selfish too and would keep it to herself. Suicide? The thought had crossed her mind at a few moments of extreme weakness, when she felt disgusted with herself because once again she could only think of Parker, the way he was always there for her, his arms wrapped around her small frame, his terrible attempts at comforting her, his willingness to help her, even when it meant he would get burnt. Quite literally. His ability to take her jokes, take her anger, and ignore it because he knew that she didn't meant it. Because he knew that deep down, she just cared. And then, she would want to throw up because how could she think about Parker when she had a husband, a life? She knew why. Because her heart always had, and always would belong to the one that ran away. Late at night, she wondered if it was her fault... Had her crap just been to much? Had he needed to escape her? It seemed likely. He was trying to escape her so eagerly now.

She left her sentence hanging, because she couldn't let him know how weak and pathetic she was. That all she wanted to do was hold him. She knelt on the ground, weak, pathetic, disgusting Pyxis. Her hands groped blindly and she felt the smooth material of his jacket. She clenched her hand around it and pulled it to her, eyes looking down at it. She picked up his wallet and shifted in her position so she was sitting cross-legged. She draped the jacket over her lap and opened up the wallet, peering inside. Cards, money, contact details, an emergency card. Interesting. She pulled out the emergency card and had all of his contact details, right there. Lucky for her, not so lucky for him. She stood up and draped the jacket over her left forearm, tucking the wallet into her pocket. She looked at her family, and with a shake of her head she turned away. She apparated on the spot, away from them, forever. That night, she returned to the hotel she'd lived in after loosing her house and booked in. Her hands shook violently as she scribbled a note of apology to her husband and her son, saying that she loved them but she couldn't live a lie anymore. She would file for a divorce later, or maybe just change her identity. She felt an emotionless smile cross her face at the irony, except she wouldn't just walk away and continue living like Parker did. No, she would change everything about her. She'd quit her job, she'd kill off the Pyxis that everyone knew.

Because if she didn't have Parker, she didn't want anything. She looked up at the clock, and she knew it was late but if she knew Parker (and she was pretty sure she did), he would be pacing somewhere familiar to try and calm down and think things through. 10pm wasn't that late, anyway. She sent off the owl to her family and then apparated to St. Mungo's. She took a deep breath to calm herself and walked towards the building doors, pushing them aside and shutting them behind her. The lady at the counter looked up and smiled as she stepped in. Pyxis had donned Parker's jacket to keep her warm - not at all because she already held a sentimental attachment to it - and she could still feel his wallet in her pocket. She smiled and pulled the wallet out, walking over to the counter. "I need to see Healer Emery, please," she spoke in a flat tone. The lady shook her head. "I'm sorry, what's your name?" She asked. Pyxis hesitated and sighed. "I. need. to. see. Healer. Emery." She growled. The lady shook her head again and smiled sweetly at Pyxis. "Healer Emery doesn't seem to have any appointment tonight miss, i'll need your name so I can ask him if he was expecting you," she spoke in a very patient, calm tone. Two things that Pyxis was not. She slammed her hand down on the counter. "Goddamnit woman, I need to see Healer Emery. I have property of his that i'd like to return, and i'd rather he didn't know my name!" She snapped. The lady raised her eyebrows, and Pyxis held out the wallet. "This is his, now if you don't mind, i'd like to see Healer Emery," Pyxis hissed. The lady stared at Pyxis for a moment, before sighing. "Miss, please calm down. Tell me your name and i'll inform him that i'm sending you up," she held something out to Pyxis, and when Pyxis took it she saw it was a ticket, with the time, date and a floor/room number on it. She presumed this was Parker's office.

"Pyxis. Tell him it's Pyxis," Pyxis was already heading towards the elevator and jabbing in his floor number as she called out to the woman, who nodded and waved her wand. Before Pyxis vanished, she saw a patronus in the form of a kitten appear. Pyxis felt the elevator jolt to a stop and she stepped out onto the floor. She looked down at the ticket and briskly walked down the hall, looking for his office. She had to get there quickly, or he'd take off. Damnit, why did he have to run? Hypocrite, you're about to run too. Just return his stuff, beg him to stay - NO! Return his stuff and get the fuck out of here. Go to France or something. No, France isn't good, middle of the war remember? Italy! You don't speak Italian dipshit, Pyxis' many different inner voices argued with one another, but she ignored them all. She didn't bother to knock on his door, but rather barged in - forgetting she was still wearing his jacket.

[[Duudeee this is looonnnggg. PLEASE cut it down or I am going to die posting so much~!]]

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Mon Jul 02, 2012 10:19 pm

Getting a few yards away from her, he turned slightly and looked back at her, a frown on his face as he disaparated. He was so pathetic, it felt like he was always running from himself, from things he thought he could never deal with. There was the whole fitting in thing, his anger, emotions in general. And then whatever this was with Pyxis (which admittedly tied into the whole emotions thing.) He had never been running from anything but himself. He ran so that he could try to figure himself out, so he could just calm down, and ran from the part of him that was tied to Pyxis. There was so much about her that made him see all his inadequacies. So much he saw that he did wrong and couldn't help and it ate him away inside. He hated that so much of him was with Pyxis, and sometimes he felt like he ruined her. And that was proven by their encounter moments ago. He was ruining her fucking life and he hated himself for that. It made him wish that he never remembered, that he did what passed through his head so many times all those years ago. It was sick, he needed help, he knew that, that's why he was talking with Tony. And even if he had the means to make himself a clean slate, it was too late for that now.

As he landed on the muggle side of the abandoned looking St. Mungo's building, sudden panic and everything else overwhelming him. He took in a deep, shuddered breath, running his hands through his hair, just standing there. What was he doing?? He was thirty years old, he should have it together. He should be happy and have a family of his own and not be living in some shithole. But instead he just mulled on the past, putting all his heart and his wallet into his job. Trying to be an innovator as he made his way up the ranks. He didn't even know what final position he wanted anymore. He wanted to just give up sometimes. Maybe let himself become a miserable drunk like what apparently happened to his father, or off himself, or just-- Parker yanked at his hair in frustration and then dropped his hands with a groan. He needed to get to his office, calm down, brew something. He walked through Mungo's ER entrance, sweeping past the filled and chaotic room, face blank, none of it phasing him. He barely nodded to the woman at the desk as he walked through to the back halls, past the front entrance and to his office.

He sat at his desk, digging through the top drawer to pull out a vial of calming drought. Hands shaking he uncapped it and downed it. He just needed to get his head about him and not feel like he was about to burst into frustrated tears and destroy his office. He ran both hands through his hair, taking another deep breath. He was supposed to stay out of her life. He was supposed to just have disappeared and never seen any of his old friends again. He wasn't supposed to always think about her, or regret that there was no closure. He wasn't supposed to realize to late his feelings for her. And it just all hurt so much. It was unbearable. God, Tony would sure get his money's worth next week. Parker startled and tensed when the intercom in his room went off and the front lady's voice came through. "Healer Emery, sorry to bother you so late, but a very upset woman is looking for you. Might be a wife of an Auror from that ambush last week that we couldn't save.She said her name is Pyxis-" Parker felt like time had frozen and he was going to throw up. Damn it, damn it, damn it. He stood up quickly, not hearing the last of whatever she said. He walked quickly from one end of his office to the other, looking around wildly for anything he might have needed to take. The effects of the potion stopped overwhelming panic or rash decisions from being made however and just as he was about to floo out the door had slammed open, startling him and causing most the floo powder to slip through his hands and all over the floor. He stood there frozen like a deer caught in head lights, staring at her wide eyed.


[[GAH, I tried D: cut it doooown more., sdfvglkjdfg]]

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:16 am

It took every ounce of strength that Pyxis had not to snap at him right now. It was obvious by the floo powder, and his position, his expression, just everything that he'd been about to run. She was glad that she'd hurried then. A glare was fixed on him momentarily, before she managed to calm herself down and shrugged off his jacket. She walked over to him stiffly and though her expression was blank, her eyes were filled with mixed emotions. She held out his jacket and his wallet and stared at him for a moment, finding it hard to talk. Damnit, she wanted to thank him. For giving her the courage to finally leave a family that she didn't deserve. She certainly didn't deserve her son, PJ, he was far too beautiful and loving to belong to such a cold, angry monster like herself.

"Don't bother running," she spoke coldly. "I only came to return your stuff. Then i'm leaving, but... if you wouldn't mind, I need some closure. I can't do what I want to do without closure, Parker," she needed to know why he left, if it was her fault, and she needed him to know that she would always love him. And that he'd never see her again. Don't tell him that you bloody Drama Attention Seeking Queen, the voices in her head fired up again, telling her what to do. Damn, why did she have so many personalities? Pyxis had to hold back from groaning in frustration and a look of annoyance crossed her features momentarily.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jul 05, 2012 12:57 am

Parker just stared at her, frozen in place as the powder slowly slipped through his hands all over the floor. His other hand gripping the mantle of the fireplace, his knuckles white. He looked away and shook his head to himself slightly as he cleared his throat and stood up straight, letting the rest of the floo powder fall to the ground as he pat his hand on his trousers. "Uh...." he started, turning towards her as she walked in, shrugging off his jacket.

He lowered his head slightly, though he kept his eyes on her as she approached, holding out his jacket and wallet. He stared back at her a moment, an unsure expression on his face. He sighed and reached out, taking his stuff from her a little more roughly then he figured was necessary, but his hands had been shaking and he just couldn't help it. He carelessly tossed both back over to his desk, his legs feeling unable to move him.

When she mentioned closure, he drew his eyes to the floor, shaking his head and letting out an pained short laugh. "Closure? Yeah- that's not going to help anything. There's no such thing as closure anymore, Pyx." He groaned inwardly at himself for using his little nickname for her. No, Parker, no, you can't just DO things like that, its been years, knock it off. He crossed his arms, looking at her again, taking in a sharp breath. "I left for my own stupid, selfish reasons. I was- still am- stupid and selfish and angry." He dropped his arms and his shoulders drooped, his voice going softer. "I just...realized a lot of things way, way too late, everything has passed me by, and... and... you can't let me ruin your life anymore. I've done enough of that." He felt himself choke up a bit and he voice raised a bit. "And how dare you do that to your son...and you husband. He has no bloody idea."

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:16 am

Pyxis rolled her eyes at him and tried to ignore the fact that his distinctive smell had completely enveloped her. She bit down hard on her lip, feeling her teeth tear into it and draw a small amount of blood. She pulled back immediately and sucked her lip into her mouth, tasting the blood. Eugh, she winced. She almost wanted to sneer at him, but knew that was a stupid thing to do especially since she didn't want this to get too emotional. Even though she was going to ask him why he left. But she would try to keep her emotions under control. Little did she know, this would be completely and utterly impossible.

Why did he do that? Why did he always lower his head like a shameful puppy? She raised an eyebrow but said nothing on the matter, not wanting to scare him off or something. He looked like that now, like he could run away at any moment. She watched his hands shake violently as they reached for his stuff, and he almost yanked it out of her grasp. Her eyes narrowed slightly, but years of anger management classes meant that no anger boiled to the surface like it would've years ago. She merely crossed her arms and stared at him expectantly.

She let out an annoyed huff at him. She knew it wasn't going to help anything, but she just wanted to know why the fuck he left! Then again, maybe it would help. Help her understand why she'd lost her best friend. "Won't help anything? I think it will-" She began to protest, but stopped at the nickname. Her anger began to bubble, and she knew that she should leave now but she couldn't draw herself away. "It will help me understand why my best friend ditched me, Parks," she drawled, and almost growled as she spat out his nickname. "Why! Goddamnit, I know your stupid and selfish, for fucks sake!" No, she didn't mean that. Her anger was beginning to consume her, and she was trying hard to fight it. "Give me a fucking reason WHY you left! I don't care how you felt while your doing, I don't give a shit about the emotions, Parker, I want to know WHY!" She snapped. "Realised what?" She asked coldly, fighting hard not to explode. But he did it. And with those simple words, she snapped. Years of anger management classes couldn't help her now. "How. Dare. I. Yes, how dare I do exactly what you did. How dare I leave my husband who i'm not in love with. How dare I leave a son who deserves more than me. How dare I do the right thing. How dare I." She said, calm at first, before her eyes lit up with rage. Her hand twitched instinctively towards her wand as she stepped closer to him. "How dare you, tell me what to do! How dare you! You have no fucking right to assume that I didn't tell my family, that I don't have reasons! I've told them why, but now I want to know something. Did you even care about me at all, Parker? Was I just this stupid girl to you?" She growled.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Thu Jul 05, 2012 12:11 pm

Parker let out a defeated, tired, heavy seeming sigh. As if every bit of energy he was using to try to seem stronger in this situation had left him. There was no way to keep it up. Because he had wronged her, hurt her so terribly. He probably hurt many others with his disappearance, but all her really cared about was her. He shook his head, any bit of spark or life in his eyes had seemed to leave, his mind seeming to go off elsewhere as he felt himself close off, go to that place healers have to go to sometimes when they had to deal with the families who had just experienced a loss. "I won't change anything. The damage was done. A long time ago too, and there's nothing I can say that will make any of it any better or what I did to you any less awful."

Parker steeled himself, seeing that familiar spark of anger in her, hell, it was almost comforting to see as awful as that was to think about. But he just felt a pang, a fucking stab in his chest as her words. He winced, looking pained as she spat out his name like some sort of swear. He licked his dry lips nervously, biting down on the bottom one, trying to think of something, anything to say to her. When she snapped at him, he shut his eyes tightly for a moment, before opening them again and snapping back. "And I know you know that! I know!" He felt himself start to get angry, that anger he felt when he was younger, that anger directed at himself that he always reflected on others, most namely her. "And you want to know WHY? Because I hated- I hate- myself! I mean-" he let out a strangled sounding, short laugh, "-look at me! What the hell am I even doing with myself. NOTHING." He ran a hand through his hair, turning on his heel and pacing over to the window. "Realized.... everything. " he couldn't say it, not now, not ever, it was too late for that. And he'd be a selfish fucking idiot if he said it, he'd ruin her life with three words. And he could if he wanted to...

When she finally lost it, so did he, he couldn't try to keep his voice down even it he wanted to and it was right now that he was so thankful for those silencing charms on his office. He turned on his heel, looking back at her, raising his hand to point his finger at her, just like she did all those times to him. "NO. No, you misunderstand me! What I mean is: how dare you even get yourself involved with a man who deserves so much better then this, how dare you have his child and name him after me, how dare you-" His voice not used to the shouting, cracked on that last emphasis. His eyes rose to the ceiling, his hands raising to pull through his hair again. He groaned, letting out a deep breath and taking another in before he looked at her, right in the eyes, hoping it would help her to just understand what he was trying to say. "No, no, don't you get it, I do. I care so much and that's why. I'm nothing, I'm no one, fuck, we're so poisonous together, can't you see this? I care for you so much and that's why you need to let me go."

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Fri Jul 06, 2012 3:57 am

Pyxis had never felt so conflicted in her whole life, and she'd lived a very confusing and emotionally exhausting life so far. She stared at him, un-able to choose one emotion to feel at a time. It seemed she had settled on one, and then another one would flare up and say 'hey, i'm more suitable!' and then another, and another, and she was just so confused. Was she meant to feel concern? He looked so deflated, defeated even. Like he had no strength left in him. Was she meant to be angry? Angry that he'd ditched her all these years and wasn't giving her a reason, when it was ALL she wanted from him? Well, there were lots of things she wanted from him but this was the most likely thing she would get. Was she meant to be hurt? Hurt that she was so tiresome to him, wearing him down even though they'd only been back in the others life for a few minutes? She didn't know what to feel. And that was definitely something new for Pyxis.

Was this how he felt all the time? Confused? About what to feel? Too many emotions? The questions span around in her head, chasing one another and making her body feel weak and exhausted. Merlin, she couldn't handle so much confliction, so much emotion. "Why do you have to be so frustrating?" She exclaimed, dragging her hands through her hair, ripping the skin at the scalp. "Why can't you just tell me? I just want to know why you left! Don't you think you owe me just that one thing?" She hissed. Her temper flared once more and she crossed her arms at him as he winced. "Oh? Don't you like being called Parks anymore?" She growled. How dare he call her 'Pyx' after abandoning her for all those years! She felt an urge to slap him rising. She sneered at him when he responded snippily. Bastard. She could only glare at him while he spoke, her rage stronger than it had been since... ever. "Fuck you," she felt tears well up in her eyes. "That's not even a reason why! Stop making excuses! Just tell me, Merlin, Parker it's not that hard! Everything has to be so hard with you when it comes to emotions. Freaking Parker, always confused about how he feels, never knowing anything! And then there's super emotional Pyxis, who can't even deal with anything without exploding!" She growled. "REALISED WHAT? That you have these amazing things called emotions, and other people do too and you crushed your oldest friend by leaving without even a goodbye? That you hurt me more than years of my parents not loving me ever could?" She ground her teeth together.

Her eyes narrowed in on his finger as he pointed it at her, like she had so many times before. She'd exploded, all these pent up anger and self-loathing coming out, and damnit she didn't care if it hurt him, she was going to take everything out on him! It's all his fault, she told herself. Even though it was her own choice not to move on, she felt that he needed to be blamed. She hated that she knew she'd ruined two good people's lives. Well, one. "Don't you start with me, asshole," she hissed. She was furious. "You don't just get to do this, ditch me for SO many years and then come back and tell me how to live MY life! I know i'm a shitty person who doesn't deserve to live, Parker! That's why i'm leaving now before I hurt them anymore!" The tears poured down her cheeks and she couldn't be bothered to wipe them away. Crying was so normal for her that she hardly paid any attention to it. She cried every night, she cried during the day, she cried whenever she was slightly emotional. She always cried. She rolled her eyes. "I'll never let you go." Her breath hitched slightly in her throat as the words came out before she even considered how she was going to respond. "You realise you care now? Geese," she turned her head away.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Sat Jul 07, 2012 1:45 am

Parker hated that his mind was always a constant jumbled mess. There was always so much going on...worried about this, concentrated on that, focusing on things he shouldn't. Especially around her. He always would try so hard to watch what he said, how he said it, how he fucking would stand and walk so that it wouldn't upset her. Always fucking tiptoeing and it only made everything so much worse. He just wanted things to go well for her. If he'd not run into her she might have been sitting in that place with her family, enjoying icecream, with Parker not even in her thoughts. Why did he have to always make things so much harder for himself? Why couldn't he just sort out his thoughts and emotions.

"Me frustrating??" he snapped incredulously without even a thought. god, where was this meanness coming from? he wasn't angry at her, he was angry with himself. But already in this spiral he could not get out. Was this what Pyxis felt like? Hopelessly trapped in her anger, but unable to do anything about it? It was an awful feeling which only fueled his frustration further. "I left because I'm a pathetic mess that can't handle things! In all honestly! That's it! I couldn't take it, my family life was shit, i felt like i was such a terrible person to people who were supposed to be my friends, I figured you'd all be better off if I just disappeared! And right now, that's proving true!" Pyxis' jabs at him hurt a lot more then he thought that they should. He half turned away from her. Why the hell did she know right where to hit so that it would hurt him most? she always did. "What do you expect Pyxis!!? I've been taught to keep my emotions in, I've been bullied, beaten by my own mother because I'm different. I've always been different. so of course I'm going to feel fucking cut off and confused!" He groaned, and unable to keep in as much of the frustration he was feeling as he wanted, his fist slammed against the top of his desk hard. "YES, yes, that is what I realized. After all this time, and its sad, and it's hurts so bad. And nothing will fucking make it okay."

Damn, he hated this yelling, it made him feel like he was being crushed, like he couldn't breath. It reminded him of his parents, all they did was yell at each other when they were together. He didn't want to fight with Pyxis anymore, all his life consisted of was fighting and was so, so sick of it! It only made it worse when he fought back too. He could feel himself start to shut down at that though. Just...don't fight back. Just sit and take it, thing of something else and it will pass. Her anger always passed. Always. He'd just have to wait. Like he always did. Well, wait or run, and he was feeling pretty trapped at the moment. As she continued to snap and shout at him, he kept his eyes averted, hand still resting on his desk, as he simply shook his head as he tried to bite back his words. "And tell me, how much worse does it feel to just be abandoned?" He said, his voice as even and calm as it could be at that time. As she cried he didn't make any move at first, just looking at her. When she said that she'd never let him go. He stood upright, taking a step towards her, "No...don't say that..."

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Sat Jul 07, 2012 7:44 am

Pyxis started to go through her normal ritual that her anger management classes had taught her to help her calm down when she felt she was about to explode. First, she had to breath in and out slowly, and focus on that and that only. After a few seconds of this, she focused on relaxing her tense muscles one by one in her body. Then, she counted to ten and pictured happy things. She pictures herself and Parker in the holidays of sixth year, laughing and having fun. She felt herself slowly relaxing, and the anger that had previously rocked through her body slowly left. And then, she became the Pyxis that he didn't know. The Pyxis that was submissive and didn't allow her anger to control her. The Pyxis that was able to move past the defect in her brain and find inner calm. The Pyxis that let her husband hit and abuse her and only sobbed while he did it but informed him that she deserved it.

She winced, but she knew that it was better to let him get it out. Now that she wasn't angry, his words only hurt her and made her want to back away. She wanted him to hit her across the face for being so cruel to him. Because she'd always been horrible to him, always. He stood there and took it while she yelled and screamed at him, threatened and threw things, and he just offered words of comfort. And then one thing he said without thinking she was off her rocket and hurling abuse his way, making him feel like crap and claiming that she hated him. If she thought about it, it must be partly her fault that he ran away. He had enough problems at home, without coming to school and having to deal with a physcopath for a best friend. She felt tears slide down her cheeks and as she'd been doing before, she did nothing to stop them. "I'm sorry, Parker." She whispered after he'd finished for the moment. And she truly was, sorry for everything. She was scum of the earth, she didn't deserve to live. Why run away? Why? She should just end it. End all the suffering she caused everyone. She knew it would hurt at first, but they'd move on and be happy without her! Then everyone could be happy! She just wanted them all to be happy, she didn't want to hurt people. She didn't want to hurt inside anymore.

However, the wall that she'd built around herself to hold in her anger cracked and was shattered as he asked her how it felt to be abandoned. She stared at him with wide eyes, her eyes flashing with anger and then hurt, then rage, then despair. She stumbled backwards as if he'd struck her across the face. It hurt worse then that time Marcello broke 6 of her ribs by kicking her in the chest to hard. It hurt worse than coming home and being told she was a worthless, stupid bitch and being hit across the face by someone who claimed to love her. It hurt worse than looking at PJ and knowing she didn't deserve her own son. It hurt so much worse than anything else she'd experienced, for him to ask her something so simple. Her back hit the door and she groped for the handle, finding it and pulling it downwards. She didn't have the strength to push herself away from the door and she collapsed to the floor in a sobbing mess. "I gave them a reason! I told them I was sorry! I tried to do the right thing, i'm trying, I don't - I can't - You don't understand!" She sobbed hysterically. "I don't want him to tell me anymore, i'm sick of it. I hate knowing i'm a worthless piece of crap, but to come home every night and be told that - you don't - you - I-" She stopped herself and took in a deep breath. She wiped at her cheeks and drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. "It felt like you'd ripped out my heart and crushed it into millions of tiny little shards, so many that I could never fully repair it," she told him hoarsely, head falling back against the door.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Fri Jul 13, 2012 7:18 am

Parker hardly found it within his capabilities to notice the way she was shutting down, taking ddeep breaths, calming down in a way he had never seen before. because he was still so god damn angry with himself, and didn't know what to do or how to say anything. He started to falter as she winced and seemed to shrink away from him, the reality of the abuse that was happening now, happened in the past between them and both their parents hit him like a fucking cinder block. The reasons they did this, the reasons they found comfort in each other despite of....or maybe because of the abuse they put each other through was because of their families and the abuse they themselves suffered. it was familiar, something that that had always known, so being without it was strange and unusual. With all his healer training and meetings with Tony and all the shit built up in his life, he understood. It was plain, it was simple. There was no one better or worse for them then the other. They couldn't live without it, even though it hurt so much each moment.

That coupled with his own emotional blockade, he just stared at Pyxis wide-eyed as she gave a soft apology. Their roles seemed reverse, this all seemed to weird and wrong, but it shouldn't feel that way at the same time. Why were they drawn together when they only caused so much pain, and with their arguing they refused to direct the hate at the other, instead internalizing it, hurting or wanting to hurt themselves. It was fucking stupid, but enlightening; it was poisonous, but addicting. It was them, this fucking awful storm that couldn't be stopped unless it dissipated by itself or destroyed everything in its wake. He thought he'd understood it all before, but that had just been the tip of this awful titanic iceburg. And he had just uncovered the rest.

He felt a jolt when he saw that spark of anger, one he hadn't drawn away from all these years, but was wondered by. She was like a force of nature, one to be seriously reckoned with. Unstoppable, with reckless abandon, like a match suddenly struck on and burning. He couldn't even hear what he would have interpreted at a bullshit reason and more yelling about how he didn't get her and sorry is never enough and all this other crap that would send them in circles. He felt like he wasn't a part of his body, like he was looking down on the pathetic scene and he hadn't even registered the tears streaming silently down his own face. He didn't react when she slammed herself back against the door, or as she collapsed to the floor. He felt this immense pressure on his chest, and he felt like he couldn't even move his body. He managed to take a deep breath in and bring his mind back into his body. He took a few steps over to her, leaning over and taking her arms to help her up. He spoke soft, his voice sounding sure. "You're going to go and settle it in person then...."

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Fri Jul 13, 2012 7:49 am

Why? It was a question that bothered every single human scattered all across the dying earth, ripped and ruined by the human's that plagued it and poisoned it in search to develop their lives and make everything so much easier. Why, scientist's asked themselves that question many times a day, people asked one another the question. But Pyxis asked herself for one reason and one reason only. Why was he so addictive? Like a drug, one that she knew was bad for her, knew would ruin her and rip her apart, slowly destroy her and send her spiralling into the abyss of insanity. And yet, though she knew that she still desperately wanted him in her life. She needed him, he was the best and worst part of her life, he was so wrong for her that it was right. They would destroy each other, she knew it in the back of her mind, but she didn't care. She couldn't bring herself to give a shit, because he was the centre of her universe. She didn't care that having him would be nothing but pain and angst a lot of the time, she didn't care that they would ruin each others lives, because they would also be filled with happiness and laughter, and they would fix each others lives at the same time.

It was a confusing, endless cycle of pain and happiness, two things struggling against one another, both trying to win the battle. And neither ever would, because they were Pyxis and Parker, and they'd always fought. Always argued, bickered, attacked each other, but they'd been happy too. Like 6th year, they'd been happy. They were capable of happiness, but that happiness came at the price of pain as well. She shook her head, un-able to think straight. Why did they do this to each other? Were they in-capable of getting along with one another? She stared at him with pain in her eyes, too tired in that very moment to argue back. So emotionally exhausted, and he'd only been back in her life for a very short period of time. She almost laughed at that thought, then almost cried. She didn't want him to ever leave, she didn't want to run away and be alone. She just wanted to have him all too herself. She didn't care about PJ or her husband, she just didn't. Sure, she loved her son but for some weird reason, that whole 'a mothers love is stronger than any other' didn't apply to her.

Maybe it was because she'd never really wanted a child in the first place. Her and her husband had never mutually agreed to try for a baby, he'd just been particularly drunk for a string of nights and his abuse had gone further than it ever had and ever would again. As usual, his drunk state meant that he never remembered what he'd done last night, so he'd been confused when she said she was pregnant, but when she told him he got drunk and 'things happened', he'd swallowed her lie and been over-joyed. Pyxis clutched her head and peered up at him, startled to see tears falling down his cheeks. She swallowed the angry retort that he couldn't control her as she let him pull her up. She grit her teeth, and it showed on her face that she clearly had something snappy to say. It took all of her will-power to keep it in, and instead she lifted her hand to his cheek, wiping away the tears that had fallen.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Fri Jul 13, 2012 9:02 am

((lollolol dont mind me, just going to cut out a huge portion.))


This killed him so much, he didn't like it, but he couldn't care any more. He had to stop all this stupid shit he did. He, for once in his life, needed to take control and take responsibility because no one else could do this for him. He needed to actually try, reach out, take what he wanted and needed even if it killed him. As much as he didn't want Pyxis to get hurt, and move on from him, it was all too late for any of that now. Damn it, it felt too late for anything anymore. But with all that had been said these short moments, it was clear she wasn't going to give up. She screamed it at him, she would every chance she got. And he would feel it every moment. Fuck, the fact he even realized his feelings was still so surprising to him.

He let out another strained breath as he lifted her. She felt so light in his hands, memories of their childhood going through his head. The lake, always just holding hands, 6th year. They were happy. Hell, the happiest he ever remembers being was at that lake. When he had nearly died. The close second place was 6th year, right before he felt like he nearly died.

When he felt her hand go to his cheek, he closed his eyes for a moment, moving one hand to cover over hers as she wiped away the tear. Did he really want to spend the rest of his life with what its and always running away? He was so tired, getting too old for this. He took in a breath and opened his eyes, tightening his hand around Pyxis' hand as he brought his other shaking hand up to her face. He leaned over quickly, before he could decide to change his mind, and brushed his lips against hers lightly before leaning out again.

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PostSubject: Re: When You Look At Me (Pyx & Parks)   Fri Jul 13, 2012 9:35 am

[[HOLY CRRAAAAPPPPPPPPP.]]

Pyxis couldn't handle the constant ball of negative emotions that was inside of her. It just built up over time, but she felt like it had been released now - well, as much as it could. Though they clashed and fought, it was how she got her emotions out and was able to be happy as well. She didn't want to live without him, as much as they were a poisonous combination. She knew he needed her too, otherwise he would just walk away with a roll of his eyes rather than argue back. Everyone else had learned to do that when she exploded, but not him. He'd always just taken it, snapped back, but he hadn't just walked away. It was why it had hurt so much when he left, because the one person who never just walked away, did. She ran a hand through her hair as she always did when she was incredibly frustrated and yanked on the ends of it, feeling a sharp pain across her scalp.

She noticed the way he lifted her as if she weighed hardly anything. Which she didn't, mind you, and he wasn't exactly under-muscled either. She was un-steady on her feet, still hurting from the thought of him leaving. Why did he have to ask that question? She knew her family wouldn't feel like that... would they? She hated to think that she'd inflicted that pain on them, but at least she'd left a note! She didn't want to go and confront them, tell them in person, because... what if... she didn't want to get struck across the face, she didn't want to see the abandonment in PJ's eyes. She just wanted those two men out of her life forever. They'd be better off without her.

She watched as his eyes shut, and his hand lifted up towards her. For a brief moment, she feared that his hand would swipe hers away and he'd give her a look as if to convey the message that he didn't want her to touch him, but instead his hand closed around her own and held it. Her breath stilled and she tilted her head slightly at him. She felt his grip tighten around her hand as he opened his eyes. What was he thinking about? She felt her heart beating slightly faster as she stared into his eyes whilst he leant towards her. His lips touched hers, and she gasped in shock when he pulled away. She stared at him in complete and utter shock, her hand going slack in his, un-able to think properly. What just happened? Did he just... kiss her?

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