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 All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)

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Victoria Rossmund
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PostSubject: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Mon Sep 17, 2012 5:45 am

Victoria sank slowly to her knees in the fresh snow. Her skin burned where the cold air touched it, her anger seeming to heat her from the inside. It was Christmas Eve and she knew no one else would be here. No one wanted to think of the dead on a day like this. At least not in this tangible of a way.

"The man who showed me the beauty in nature." She stared blankly at the words she'd told them to etch into the stone. There'd been no one to argue with her. No one left. Just her.

She leaned to the right, avoiding the stone to the left, running her fingers over the name on the next gravestone. Kathleen. A chill ran down her spine, and not because of the cold. She'd always assumed they'd have more time. More time to grow closer, to really understand one another. Kathleen had always loved her, and there was so much Victoria wanted to show her of the wonder that was the magical world.

Now there was nothing. No time. No chance. Just her, sitting in the cold again. Alone.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Mon Sep 17, 2012 8:08 am


Alec was walking down the road towards the tombstone he had to go see just where his mother laid. It was a hard moment for both his sister and him. The autumn had brought with it death, and so there were kids in mourning. The Iceman as his sister fondly called him, shed not a single tear, neither did he, though the pang was one that he wished he never felt.

Tess surprisingly never shed a tear either, but her eyes were dead; he knew it wasn't as if their mother was the most nurturing woman in the world. In fact, she was the perfect match for the Iceman herself. Heart made of crystal she was the one that only coddled him and left her aside.

Now he visited her grave once more, mourning her loss, and wiped a few tears that had fallen without him noticing. She was a real mother to him, and a real wife to the Iceman, and now, now she was put to rest.

"Goodbye ma mère" he whispered as he caressed the tombstone softly.

He shivered as the wind slipped into his coat and chilled his chest even more than it already was. He had never managed to give her the grandchildren that she wanted, and he felt a bit guilty for she thought it'd never happened. He was so close to wanting a future, but that never managed to finish.

"I love you"

Those were his last words towards the tombstone before he walked away, feeling his heart weighing heavily on his chest.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Mon Sep 17, 2012 8:25 am

Victoria closed her eyes and let her mind drift. It had only been two weeks ago that this cemetery had been full of family and friends, come to share their grief. She hadn't spoken a word. There were no words to say, not for this. Especially when she had to witness the pain in Rick's eyes, Kathleen's fiance. As empty as she felt, she knew it would be nothing compared to what he must be going through. To lose someone so loved...

She clasped her hands to her chest, trying to keep the pain inside. It felt like weeks since she'd really spoken to anyone of importance. Students were coming less and less to her office, as if they knew she wasn't really able to help them. She wasn't even really ready to tell her co-workers what had happened. No one knew. Not even Tess.

As the light was fading in the sky, she saw someone out of the corner of her eye. Curious. Not wanting to intrude, she stood, grimacing at the cramps in her legs. It had been fully day time when she'd first arrived. As the person drew nearer to her, probably heading towards the entrance, she froze. Alec.

Her mind reeled. She didn't know what to feel. Anger? Happiness? Pain? It was all swirling within her, each emotion fighting for dominance. "What are you doing here?" She cleared her throat. Her voice sounded strange to her, as if it was unused.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Mon Sep 17, 2012 8:51 am


Alec was distracted as he walked down the path. He remembered all the times that his mother would tell him about the great things that they could do, and the adventures he would do.

Hearing someone talk to him, took him out of his reverie and he turned to face the person he was least expecting. Honestly, did the universe have to screw him so badly? It wasn't fair, it really wasn't and he didn't like it one bit.

"Why do you think?"

Didn't she know? After all Tess lived with her.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Mon Sep 17, 2012 8:59 am

Victoria cringed inwardly at his look. So much hatred. And to think I thought he could love me once. She regretted saying anything at all, wanting to be swallowed up into the ground beneath her feet. It wasn't the first time she'd thought that, but now she had a reason to.

Her brow furrowed as she looked at him. Merlin, how she missed him. "I've honestly no idea. I haven't been back there since school started, really. I've..." Her eyes drifted down to the stones at her feet. "I've been preoccupied."

It wasn't all true, since they'd only died within the last few weeks. But staying with Tess just brought more pain. She loved her like a sister, and they'd always have that. But now...she just needed time away. Or at least she did before this. Now she felt too broken to return to the house that already had so many memories. She felt like she was a black hole, and she didn't want to bring Tess down with her.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:06 am


Alec immediately thought of Tess and wondered if she was alone dealing with this grief, while she hadn't expressed much, it was a big loss to everyone. He put his hands in his pockets and noticed that she was grieving as well.

He looked down at the dirt and murmured his real reply.

"Well then you don't know that our mother died" he said. "I was visiting her gravestone."

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:16 am

Victoria felt like the world had tipped on it's axis. I'm the worst friend in the world! She hadn't been there for Tess. The weight of it bore down on her and she just wanted to run. Run away from all this pain. This death. How could she be so wrapped up in herself that she wasn't there for Tess when she needed her the most.

And Alec. Who was there for him? Dorian, maybe. But she wasn't sure how men acted when something like this happened. His tone surprised her. It wasn't the usual cocky or biting remark. It was...real.

She really didn't know what to do. Against every instinct she had, she walked slowly over to him, hoping he wouldn't react too terribly. Keeping as much distance as she could, she looked up at him, trying to express her shared pain. "I'm sorry." A part of her mind yelled for her to ask about Tess, but she shoved it down. It wasn't that she didn't love her, but Alec was here, now. She would go to Tess as soon as she left here.

"How are you?" she asked softly. There was no assumption. She didn't expect him to be happy.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:25 am


Alec nodded stiffly at her comment; it was awkward to just say that out loud, as if it made it all the more real. He bit back a few tears and looked up at her. She was mourning too, in a way, it was comforting to know that she understood him, that bothered him as well.

"Thank you....condolences to you too" he murmured.

Her question surprised him, and he took in a sharp breath and found himself what he was exactly feeling.

"I'm...dealing..and you?"

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:36 am

Victoria watched him, drinking him in. As painful as it was to see him, and think of all that had happened, she wouldn't trade this moment for anything. Something about being here, with him, was soothing. Soothing in a time when nothing else was.

Her eyes widened at his comment. She felt her breath hitch at his comment. After their funeral, she hadn't talked about it with anyone. So it was a bit of a shock that he'd said it. She bit her lip. "Thanks."

She could feel the soft snow falling onto her face. It was a gentle feeling. A memory of the last winter day they'd spent together. Never thinking they'd be here, like this. The corner of her mouth barely twitched. "I'm...not, I guess."

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:46 am


Alec nodded stiffly at her grateful comment and looked back towards the path that lead towards his mother. If only she was here, he'd be away from all of this, away from this mind numbing pain. It was stinging his chest, the idea of his biggest hero now six feet under.

Her comment surprised him; how can someone not just move on, it was healthier, he wasn't any better, but he was legitimately trying to do the right thing.

"It's...it's hard, the grief stings doesn't it...accepting it is even worse" he mumbled.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:54 am

Victoria could see the pain flitting across his face. It was almost mesmerizing, seeing him so bare. She never wanted anything like this to happen to him, but she could dismiss the small flutter in her chest at seeing something other than anger from him.

Accepting... She couldn't even grasp the concept. How could you accept people being ripped away from you. And by a stupid accident! It wasn't fair, it wasn't right. And she didn't know how to live in a world without them. An image of them all laughing in their living room floated through her mind. One of the few times that she'd been comfortable with her mother. She'd always wanted to make peace with her, but now they never would.

She felt a tear slide down her cheek and she quickly brushed it away, looking down. "Sorry," she whispered. In the midst of all of this, she couldn't help remembering how much he hated her crying.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:57 am


Alec felt a sting in his chest once more seeing her cry; he hated seeing her cry, it gave him emotions he'd like to forget he had. Ever since their break up in the summer, he avoided her, those two seasons of Hogwarts he avoided her like the plague and was instead working harder than before, and taking cases with Dorian on the side, if he wasn't with that Rhian woman.

Now seeing her cry he wondered if anyone cried like that for his mother, if they mourned her as much as he did. He placed his hand tentatively on her shoulder and squeezed it lightly.

"It's perfectly fine...normal. But would the departed want you to cry?"

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Mon Sep 17, 2012 8:33 pm

Victoria had wondered, through these two weeks, if something was wrong with her. She'd barely cried at all, so unlike her. It had been like her brain was shut down, unable to process everything. It had felt like she was alone in everything. Her family was gone now. She'd decided not to see Bronn again. Alec couldn't stand her. And Tess...she hadn't wanted to drag her down.

But his touch, though barely there, had broken the dam. She'd felt so hollow since the accident, unable to really feel or connect with anyone. But one touch...damnit! She turned away, clasping her hand over her mouth. Hot tears ran down her cheeks and she tried to blink them away.

She took in a ragged breath, pulling her arms around herself, trying to hold everything in. "You should probably go."

But that's not what she wanted. She wanted this! Emotion, even if it was pain. She needed it. Needed to feel again. But it scared her. Everyone was being ripped away from her, and she didn't know if she could take it anymore. Plus...she didn't think she could hold it together much longer if he stayed.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Tue Sep 18, 2012 5:42 am


Alec took a step back, surprised at her scorn. He deserved it, he knew that he did, so he moved his hand back to his side, as he saw her break down. It was not a pretty sight. As she turned away from him, he wondered if perhaps he should go, and should leave her to cry.

"I-I'm sorry" he murmured softly.

He took a few steps back, wondering if he was doing the right thing, but he found himself not being able to move, just staring at her as she cried, a part of him stinging because he understood the pain.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Tue Sep 18, 2012 7:16 am

Victoria fisted her hands over her eyes, wanting to shut the world out. How could the one person she wanted right now be standing right behind her...yet so far away? Alec may as well be on the other side of the world for all the good it would do. She'd tried the coy card. The 'keep him guessing' technique. She was lousy at it. And even if she wasn't, what did it matter anymore.

"I miss you so much, Alec," she whispered. Throughout the school year, she'd tried to avoid him. She really had. But there were only so many hidden passages in the castle. And every time she caught a glimpse of him it felt like a wound had been opened wide again.

She lifted her face to the snow. There was barely any light in the sky now. Maybe she was feeling wreckless because she had nothing left to lose. Maybe her father's spirit was giving her strength. Whatever the cause, she couldn't stop herself.

"I've lost everyone. I betrayed you, worse than Bronn. I've lost them," she gestured to the stones a few feet away. "I thought it would be better if I didn't drag Tess down, but now I've just left her at the worst possible time..." She forced herself to stop rambling. Selfish, Victoria. That's all you are.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Tue Sep 18, 2012 8:01 am


Alec closed his eyes immediately at her confession; he didn't want to hear that, his heart ached enough with the death of his mother, let alone feeling the pain of heartbreak from her. Yes part of him missed her too, and the anger was gone; that soon healed with time, and avoiding her had helped him immensely.

But seeing her sob over losing all that she had, he felt guilt. He had his father, and his sister, who loved him (in their own ways) but were always a constant. All Victoria's constants had passed and he felt guilt for leaving her alone.

"She's fine" he murmured.

At least he thought she was, but she had ways of dealing with things that he never did. She was mum about dealing with sorrow, and he himself had let out a few emotions over his mother's grave.

"I'm sorry" he found himself saying as if it was his fault.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Tue Sep 18, 2012 8:26 am

Victoria turned to him, the corners of her mouth curling up sadly. "How can she be okay, Alec? No one could possibly be okay through this. None of us." Neither emotional people like herself, or controlled people like Alec could be okay with death. It was something that shook people to their foundations. She vowed to try to put Tess first more often. She was spending too much time thinking of herself.

She furrowed her brow, confused. "Why are you sorry? You did nothing wrong." Hurtful? Yes. But not wrong. All of his reactions had been understandable.

She'd spent the last few months trying to see the whole thing through his eyes, and it had been hard. For a while she wondered if it would be better for everyone if she just left. That way they wouldn't have to worry about her anymore. But she knew that would have been something done more for her than them.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Tue Sep 18, 2012 8:33 am


Alec shook his head, it was not the time to talk of his sister. She took it better than he did, that was for sure. He had gotten himself in a drunken stupor at the mention of his mother's passing, she ended up nursing both him AND their cold, bitter father. It was a surprise for both that she never shed a single tear.

"She is fine, she has moved on, like you need to. It's hard I know.." he trailed off with a frog in his throat. "I am still dealing with the pain and it's not easy...especially when you love the individual in more ways than words could describe"

He ignored his watery eyes. And nodded once she said that he didn't need to apologize. Yes it was true, he didn't but condolences never felt like enough when someone loses people that they love. Death was not something he was trained to deal with, at least not the emotional aspect of it all.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Tue Sep 18, 2012 8:43 am

A part of Victoria didn't know how to comprehend what she was seeing. The only strong emotion she'd ever seen from him had been anger, and at the time, she'd been too scared to really take it in. But now...Oh, Alec. She wanted nothing more than to take all that pain away from him.

Before she even really realized what she was doing, she'd walked straight to him, hugging him. A small part of her was still scared. Scared of what he would do. But most of her just wanted to take away the pain she saw in his eyes, heard in his voice.

She kept her face turned away, not wanting to see the anger if it was coming. "You really loved her, didn't you?"

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Tue Sep 18, 2012 8:46 am


Alec tensed up as she hugged him; this was the last thing he was expecting. Logically, he told himself that he didn't need the hug, he didn't need a damn thing from her, but emotionally, it was good to be hugged, especially at a crisis like this.

He found himself hugging back, because she understood the pain, she had lost people that were important to her. If he lost only one and he felt this way, he couldn't imagine how it would feel to lose everyone.

"Yes" he replied hoarsely.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Tue Sep 18, 2012 9:03 am

Victoria tensed for a second when Alec actually hugged her back. After a few seconds of him not pulling away, though, she relaxed into the one place she really wanted to be. I guess I'll take him anyway I can get, she thought, even as hopeless as she knew that was.

She pulled back slightly so she could look up at him. Her heart skipped a beat. She'd forgotten how blue his eyes were. They'd haunted her dreams, but nothing her imagination could create really did them justice.

Trying not to let her gaze wander, she asked, "What happened?"

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Tue Sep 18, 2012 9:09 am


Alec closed his eyes as he remembered it vividly. She had dealt with a stinging in her chest for a long time; a curse that had taken its toll on the usually lively woman that she was known for. She wasn't the most expressing woman, but the pain had to be unbearable if it made her wince every time it happened.

"A curse, she fought long and hard but...it was no use."

He remembered her gripping his hand tightly as she passed, while his sister merely stayed in the corner watching on. She was never called to her mother's bedside, but Alec was, that must have made it harder for her to feel the pain,he imagined.

"And yours?"

He had not separated from their embrace, merely took a step back to face her a bit clearer.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Tue Sep 18, 2012 9:24 am

Victoria winced inwardly. A curse? And it really must have been bad if she fought for a long time. It made her think of cancer in that way. She wondered if it was the magical equivalent.

She hesitated at first. But, she guessed, she'd asked for it, by asking him first. Gripping the back of his coat, she fought the urge to move her hands under it for warmth, like she used to.

"A car accident. They were driving into the city to meet me at the Leaky Cauldron. I hadn't seen them in a few years and really needed the...support." Her voice broke at the unfairness of it all. She'd needed them so much then, and that's what had took them from her. If only... She shuddered at the thought that had filled most of her waking hours since she'd been told about the drunk driver.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Tue Sep 18, 2012 9:36 am


Alec winced as she trailed off knowing what was the fate. It was sad really, how death was such a big part of it all. Life was often times put on hold for petty reasons and some never really enjoyed it.

He was glad to at least know that his mother lived to the fullest. She always said that she had two loves: her boys. Yes she was a terrible mother to...others...but to him she was the sweetest woman alive. She coddled him, trained him, taught him everything that was needed to know to be successful in life.

Now she had passed, but she had accepted it. Victoria did not have that comfort; for she lost them in an instant. He forced himself not to say sorry and instead pulled her closer into the embrace once more.

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PostSubject: Re: All Alone in My Pain (Invite only)   Tue Sep 18, 2012 9:57 am

Victoria bit her lip, trying to keep the crying at bay, if only a little bit. As Alec pulled her close, she snaked her hands up to his shoulders, holding on for dear life. Tucking her head under his chin, she sighed.

There were so many things she wanted to say to him. That she'd envisioned actually saying to him if she got the chance. How sorry she was, and how she didn't mean to hurt him. But it all came down to one question.

"Do you think....you could ever forgive me?"

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